Safe now on the Lower East Side, out of breath and in dire need of food, Edgar and I stopped off at our favorite spot for a treat. Sugar Sweet Sunshine, the best damn cupcakes this side of Houston. Outside on the bench, we sat, no words but our eyes kept watch for her. I thought we were safe, I didn't think she saw us if at all, our backs, a blur as we flew down the staircase. "Safe," I whispered. "Promise? Edgar asked. "Just eat," I replied. Edgar devoured the Red Velvet while I slowly inhaled the Banana Pudding, and might I just add the tastiest Banana Pudding there is and while I haven't tried all Banana Puddings, let me just say this, if a better Banana Pudding does exit, it surely must be made by the hands of God, for only He Himself could create one finer, I'm sure. And for a time, everything was sugar and sweet and nothing but sunshine.I wanted to remain focused on the cream and the wafers, the sweet bits of banana, but my mind kept drifting back to the house on Bowery and the mess left behind. I thought of Lil'Bit, scattered about the floor, his tail still in my pocket, scratching my leg. Would Kristina clean up the remains, giving her once beloved pet a much deserved final rest or like some fairy tale gone wrong, try and put Humpty Dumpty together again? And then my mind wandered to the biggest mess of all, Kristina, a girl I've known for weeks but had only truly met tonight.
Heather Mary was right and Edgar DuHaven was right, Kristina is messed up and in need of some professional help, I couldn't agree more and still, I'm ashamed to say, I couldn't be more interested. For weeks, I listened to her stories, all the words, so many words, but that's all they were, just words. I didn't know if they were true, I had nothing to reference them against, but the moment she came crashing through her bedroom door, hearing her screams as she picked up her pup and threw him down six flights of stairs, her words finally began to slip into place. She told me she got angry sometimes, but I never saw it. She said it takes a lot but when it happens, "You better watch out!" I would smile at her sweet face, those gentle hands and I would nod my head in agreement, "I will watch out," I said sarcastically, "I will."
I believe we learn more about people not by their words but in moments of the mundane, when no one is watching, when the camera is only thought to be turned off, when you think you are alone in the house, talking to your pet, wondering how the door to your room got locked, that is when we are ourselves, and there is nothing more beautiful to me. In public, the masks go on, covering our scars and fangs, hoping to find another so we are no longer alone, never alone, no longer unmasked, so ugly but so real. Someone to always be there, watching so never by myself again, never myself again. Running to someone fast running away from myself. As I ran from Kristina, down those stairs, dodging lil bits of shrapnel flying in all directions, I wanted to stop for a moment, for just one second and turn and see Kristina, the real Kristina, but I knew if I had stopped and turned and saw her, I never would have left. A photograph, the truth. But I didn't look back and I'm sure Dr. Goode would think that was progress, and maybe he would be right, running from Kristina was like running from the Paul-David of months ago - violent, unstable mess, but so interesting...so fucking interesting.
Amen.
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