"It's been nice knowing you, Paul-David," said Edgar, half joking, half absolutely terrified. "Shut up," I replied, "and close the door, everything's gonna be fine." I wasn't sure I believed my own words but it wouldn't do us any good to freak out. Quickly, I scanned the room for a hiding place or a means of escape, I just needed to remain calm. Edgar, on the other hand, chose to panic, "I just want you to know, if she kills you, I will avenge your death, my friend." I could hear Kristina's footsteps on the staircase getting closer so I knew time was running out. "Nobody's gonna die, Edgar, just relax..." Trying to jimmy a window open, I sensed my comforting skills may have needed a little work, "...but if she was gonna kill anyone, she would start with you." "What? Why?" said Edgar, almost hurt by the suggestion, "Why would she kill me at all?" Realizing all the windows were fitted with the same anti-burglar device, a rusty nail lodged above the frame so as only to allow a six inch open space, it became clear we were trapped. Frustrated, I had no time to make Edgar feel better, "She never liked you." Edgar seemed confused, "That's impossible. Everybody likes me, I'm Edgar DuHaven." "I'm just telling you what she said, she thought you were a little weird." Edgar laughed, "I'm weird? So Miss Norma Bates thinks I'm weird, well, isn't that rich. You hear that Lil'Bit, I'm the weird one in this little group. I just don't believe it." I stood by the door, listening to the footsteps getting louder and louder, "Well, I don't know what to tell you, not everybody likes you," I whisper. "Yes they do," said Edgar, "we can clear up this whole thing right now, she's gonna be here any second." Then it occurred to me, this place has like a hundred rooms in it, "What are the chances she's gonna come directly here?" Edgar rolled his eyes and said, "And as if on cue..." Kristina's voice comes shouting up the stairs, "Lil'Bit, mama's home. You hungry?" As if on cue."Shit!" I said, looking around the room one last time, knowing there was only one place to hide. "I'm not going in there," said Edgar, backing away from the closet, "I'll take my chances with her." I didn't have time for this, "Get in the closet," I said, pushing him in. Struggling to get away from me like a greased pig, Edgar squeals, "How do we know she doesn't have anything else stuffed...stuffed backed there, a cat, a bird, her last boyfriend before you, a dog, oh wait, you can check that one off the wacko list." "Just get in," I whispered, and reluctantly, he did. We scrunched down behind the dog, relieved it was just us three. I put my finger to my mouth, and looked at Edgar, "SShhh."
Outside the door, Kristina chirped, "Mama's home." She turned the knob, but it was locked. Edgar locked the door - and that would have been fine if we were being chased, but not the smartest idea if we wanted to keep our presence undetected. "Why is this door locked? Lil'Bit, did you lock mama out? Do you have somebody in there with you?" She started pounding on the door, "Let me in...let me in!" "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin," Edgar whispered. So she huffed and she puffed and she kicked the door and let out a terrible scream because it was a thick door and that move only works in the movies. "Open this door," she screamed, "open this fucking door!" Another kick and another excruciating scream. "Come on out, or I'll kick it again!" "We are sooo fucked," Edgar said as we crouched close together behind our lil protector, the dog stood firm. Holding tight to Lil'Bit as if holding him back, biding our time for the optimum release, our grip might have been a bit too firm...around his tail area, for when Kristina made one last slam against the door, shattering the 100 year old door frame, cracking it into a thousand splinters, Edgar accidentally yanked it clean off - the dog's tail that is. "Oh, God," said Edgar, realizing the object he holds, and like a hot potato, he passed it to me and I passed it back and forth and back and forth until we realized, Kristina, just moments before had crashed through the door and now, lie unconscious on the floor three feet in front of us. Before we can even think, I stuck Lil'Bit's tail in my pocket and we ran out of the closet, jumping over Kristina and into the hall.
Down one flight of stairs, we heard Kristina scream, "Who's down there, show yourselves." She's baaack! "Whatever you do," I said to Edgar, "don't look back." We ran as fast as we could, eyes straight, saying not a word. Hitting the second flight, I heard Kristina yell, "Sick 'em Lil'Bit!" Now skipping two steps at a time, I said to Edgar, "I don't like the sound of that," and I was unbelievably correct. As we made our way to the third flight, we both heard a horrible noise coming down fast behind us, but as bad as that noise was, the sight was even worse - a poor stuffed pooch, nailed to a wooden plank, one eye, one ear, no tail, rolling and bouncing and banging down the stairs toward us, faster and faster, and in my mind, I whistled the tune to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Inches from our heels, Lil'bit was just about to take us with him to hell when at the last second, he bounced off the wall and flew over the railing, crashing hard to the ground floor beneath. Flying down the last flight, finally, stepping off the last step, we eyed the beautiful front door only a few feet away. We made it, but sadly, Lil'Bit did not. Scattered about the dust and debris of Kristian's first floor apartment, shattered into a million little pieces, was the dog - a lil' bit here and a lil' bit there, here a bit, there a bit, every where a lil' bit. I wanted to say a few words but there was no time, Kristina was making her way down and we needed to leave. I softly petted Lil'Bit's tail in my pocket, "You're at peace now, my friend," and we made our way out the front door and onto Bowery, running all the way back to the Lower East Side.
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