Vampires Suck...

To this day, I have never lived up to my potential, and please God, I hope I never will. Yes, I agree, I do fear success. My success should be feared. Words on notes sent home to Mom and Dad, referring to my "talents", describing them as underdeveloped and unrealized may have worried my folks, but not me. I found those words to be a great comfort, and with commitment and true diligence, I will work tirelessly to remain an underachiever. You may all breathe a sigh of relief.

It's my own fault. Every Sunday after church, instead of playing outside with my friends, I would sit in my basement, lights off and watch every scary movie Channel 20 had to offer. Werewolves, Frankensteins, Mummys, I couldn't get enough. But the monsters I feared most were Vampires, or to be more specific, their victims. I was confused and never understood why some, who found themselves on the wrong side of Dracula's fangs, were found dead while others were found un-dead. How, with such little effort, a normal person could be transformed into pure evil...with just one little bite? Suspicious? Were they given a choice - die or become like me, or was it something deeper, darker, prophetic? Perhaps the "survivor" had always traveled a murkier road, the Count simply paved the way providing a literal blood lust, replacing the symbolic counterpart created at birth. We become what we are...the truth.

For years, these ideas terrified me, and as time passed, I became tortured by them. I spent my days searching in the eyes of others, discerning which path they followed, wondering if they were doing the same. My heightened paranoia made the first month of high school impossible. Kids made fun of my excessive mirror time or window time or anything with a reflective surface time. It wasn't vanity but a way to convince myself my soul was intact. I spent hours outside in the sun, soaking up its rays, become darker and darker, proving to myself I had not yet been turned. At night, the covers around my neck remained pulled tight, exposing not one inch of flesh. And I prayed, and if by God's grace a choice was given, I would choose death...the road be damned. These thoughts tore through my mind for weeks, and finally, unsurprisingly, they triggered my first break.

Through the years, at certain moments, I have caught glimpses of my true potential, most recently 6 months ago at the hospital. My potential cleared the room, my potential shocked the nurses, my potential landed me in restraints for three days...and just think what might have happened if I had just applied myself.